WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
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3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I bet birds love this building.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.