wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
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* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.