wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
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TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.