Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
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My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.