Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
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The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?