*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
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Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work