Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
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Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…