Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
You Might Also Like
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
This made me smile…
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.