*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
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Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
$3 #books
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.