*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
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Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.