@murrman5

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

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@tchrquotes

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

@chinkydeliciae

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

@jackies_backie

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

@English_Channel

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

@UnFitz

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

@CornOnTheGoblin

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

@DaddyJew

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

@LizHackett

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.