Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*
~Christmas shopping for my wife
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All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing