@TheBoydP

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

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@Cornjerker78

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

@GianDoh

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

@LADaddy

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

@krissywillbretz

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

@GirlsNoteBook

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

@werehedgehog

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

@daemonic3

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

@CMFC99

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

@ieatanddrink

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

@SkippyMcGizzard

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing