*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
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doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Love is always patient and kind.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”