Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

#winning

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this