Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
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[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Life with a cat in one tweet
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober