Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
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Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Oops
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything