@slimmy_shady

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

You Might Also Like

@maebemarbles

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

@XplodingUnicorn

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.

@iwearaonesie

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

@badbanana

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.

@IfIwassomething

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

@patrickoriley

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

@HomeProbably

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

@LadyBroseph

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

@Gupton68

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.