Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

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Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?


Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.


me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*


That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.


That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.


I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*


This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.


*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*


I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.