Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
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6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile