Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
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“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
President The Rock Obama
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.