WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
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The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Thinking about Jeff
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
And that about sums it up.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions