wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
You Might Also Like
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast