WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
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“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
This guy’s not having it 😆
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
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There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
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The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?