Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
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You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done