Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
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Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”