WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
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I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Why am I like this?
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
*limbos away from your hug*
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish