@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

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@theDanLawler

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

@ch000ch

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

@Reverend_Scott

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

@MrGeorgeWallace

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

@GreenishDuck

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

@jwoodham

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

@noog

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

@leviaIIen

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

@abbycohenwl

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots