*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
You Might Also Like
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.