Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
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the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
sin harder.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more