@Brianhopecomedy

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

You Might Also Like

@Tmoney68

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

@ElizaBayne

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

@daemonic3

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

@LackOfShame

Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably

@IlIIlllIIIlIlI

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

@clindsaysway

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

@bazecraze

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.