@buitengebieden This took me a few seconds.. 😅
@Brianhopecomedy *wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
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@buitengebieden 
@Tmoney68 All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
@ElizaBayne My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
@daemonic3 “I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
@LackOfShame Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
@IlIIlllIIIlIlI Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
@clindsaysway Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
@holy_schnitt ok like just. call me at this point
@ComicBookNOW No chill.
@bazecraze I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.