*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”



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All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.


My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you


“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture


Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably


Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one


Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.


I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.