This took me a few seconds.. 😅
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
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All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
ok like just. call me at this point
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.