wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
You Might Also Like
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
not seeing the problem
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM