WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
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“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.