WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
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“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for