WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
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Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
This took me a second..
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
[montage of me giving-up]
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop