If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
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The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!