@OhNoSheTwitnt If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
@bigpoppadrunk [Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
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@OhNoSheTwitnt 
@NatashaNat24 The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
@HenpeckedHal I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
@thepunningman Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
@DammitLarry1 My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
@iLikeCatShirts Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
@HandyJack420 Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
@secondofhername Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
@QwertyJones3 HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!