[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
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What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
i can’t wait that long
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.