Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children

me: i won employee of the month

her: ur self-employed

me:

her:

me: i also got demoted

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

[at restaurant]

me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.

waiter: what can i get you?

me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.