[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

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This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*


What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?


“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced


Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.


“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”


People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.


Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and


I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.