Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
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me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
The opposite of Iceland is water water
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.