wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
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her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”