@cravin4

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

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@Birdhumms

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

@gerryhallcomedy

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

@laurenmacdonald

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

@Death_Buddy

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

@TheBoydP

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

@joeldanger

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

@paul_haine

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

@AudreyPorne

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?