Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
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It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”