WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
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Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.