Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
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*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once