wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
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i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
<—- homeless romantic
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”