WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
You Might Also Like
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Me too, bag. Me too….
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.