WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
You Might Also Like
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …