Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
You Might Also Like
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My neck, my back, my…
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.