wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
You Might Also Like
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Happens to everyone.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’