Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
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My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”