WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
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If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
January has been Januweary
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now