WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
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You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
January has been Januweary
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.