Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
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ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Facebook memories be like
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
🤣😂
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.