Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

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I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.


Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller


Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.


*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*


Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.


i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.


How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.


Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done


Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?