@YesitsAl

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

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@Clanopath

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

@nutsaremixed

Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller

@Aikiwomannc

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

@The_Mentalyst

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

@TheTweetOfGod

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

@MattMcC1

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

@serialmatrix

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

@SortaBad

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

@Aspersioncast

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?