@flashember

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

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@AndrewChamings

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

@iwearaonesie

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

@E_lok44

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

@Jeeepsta

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

@peachesanscream

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

@MrEd_EVH

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

@batkaren

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

@PeachCoffin

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

@Erin1137

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**