@AndrewChamings inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
@flashember WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
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@AndrewChamings 
@mjkspeaks *paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
@iwearaonesie How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
@E_lok44 Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
@Jeeepsta I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
@peachesanscream To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
@MrEd_EVH -gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
@batkaren *lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
@PeachCoffin *admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
@Erin1137 *tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**