WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
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How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island