Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out