WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
You Might Also Like
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
what?
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.