Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
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[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.