Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
You Might Also Like
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Terribly Tuesday.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.